A "Mother's" Perspective

Well, its been a year since I felt like blogging, but I believe it's about time to get back to that.  And what better time to begin other than Mother's Day?

As I parent my little ones, learn more and more lessons from God, and realize the impact I hope they have on my children, I have been increasingly grateful for the lessons I grasped as a child that I did not even realize I had.  Most of these lessons, I learned from my mother, who was always there.  I have also come to understand, these lessons weren't always learned in the "big" things or the single instances of correction, but rather in the years and constant repetition of lessons.

So Mom, in case you ever wonder if your words got through or I absorbed anything from you, I made you a list.  Six things you said and did, and what I learned from them.  Hopefully, my kids will learn the same from me.

• What You Said:  
• "Clean up after yourself, please!"
• What I Saw:  
• You.  You clean up everything when we didn't.  
• You spend time organizing so we could enjoy things.
• You doing chores when you thought we didn't see you.
• What That Taught Me:  
• That my irresponsibility ultimately made someone else responsible - you.  That I needed to be more responsible so others did not have to be.
• That grace was real and love could be found in clean laundry, washed dishes, dusted shelves and selflessly serving others. 
• That God's commandment to love others more than ourselves was attainable, even in the little, seemingly "mundane tasks".

My mom and I when I was a few months old, 1983 or 1984

• What You Said:
• "I love your dad more than anything."
• What I Saw:
• The stolen glances. 
• The "secret" caring touches.
• The times you stole away upstairs to have time together.
• What That Taught Me:
• That a sacred secrets between my husband and I should be cherished and fed.
• That marriage was not only about duty and work, but rather pleasure and enjoyment.
• That God's plan indeed was better, more fulfilling and more fun than all the world promised.

My mom and dad

• What You Said:
• "I hate punishing you, but love you too much to not do it."
• What I Saw:
• The "hidden" tears over punishments you never wanted to give.
• The heartbreak in your eyes over watching me face a consequence.
• The great amount of love in restoration following an offense.
• What That Taught Me:
• That love does not always mean being "nice".  Love means wanting what is best for the other person, even though sometimes you had to hurt them in the process.
• That there was no sin so great that restoration could not be accomplished.
• That when life did not go the way I wanted it to go, and I felt like bad things were happening to me due to my choices:  I could learn from it, or continue dealing with the consequences.

Mom with the three of us.  Me, my brother Zachary (in the yellow), 

and my brother Ben (in the red)

• What You Said:
• "God is worth believing in and trusting in"
• What I Saw:
• You look for answers in your Bible.
• You seek wise counsel in difficult situations.
• What That Taught Me:
• Answers can be found and there was only ONE place to find them.
• God was worth trusting, even when nothing else made sense.
• Being surrounded by and encouraged by wise counsel was worth more than all the money in the world.

Left to right: My mom, My great grandmother, Memere,

and me

• What You Said:
• "Sure honey.  We don't need the latest and greatest but let's get you what you need."
• What I Saw:
• Holes in your clothes while mine were whole.
• You go without, so that I may have what I needed.
• What That Taught Me:
• That people are more important than things.
• That materialism is not even slightly fulfilling.
• That you provided for me.  Not always my wants, but always my needs - thus giving feet to what God promises to me.

Mom trying to feed me watermelon while I tried to feed my daughter, K

• What You Said:
• "It doesn't matter what he/she said.  You know its not true and its not you.  God loves you and so do I"
• What I Saw:
• You bridle your anger when someone hurt me.
• You stand up for me.
• You encourage me and love me when it seemed no one else did.
• What That Taught Me:
• That my value isn't in what others think of me, but rather in what God thinks of me.
• That value wasn't earned, but rather inferred.  I didn't need to be anything to be worth your love or God's love, I was loved just because I was.

My mom and I on my wedding day

I love you Mom.  More than words.

Being Continually Molded,

Sarah

Walking them home . . .

At 11:41 today my world changed. At 11:41, I went from having 6 grandparents to 5. At 11:41, my heart broke into a million pieces and smiled at the same time . . . He has her now. There is no more pain and I will see her again.

And it was eerily like a cold day in October, when my Memere (great grandmother) went to be with her Lord. Two days before there was a FaceTime call, a profession of love from myself, both of my kids, and a smile for us from a proud grandparent before they started walking home. Then there was the phone call, the flood of tears, the searing pain, the broken pieces and then . . . Nothing but a strange numbness and exhaustion. And a wonder of how to get through this holiday season . . .

But there is much comfort in the midst of pain. There is no more pain for either and there was a great reuniting of souls as one met her husband and the other her sister whom both had missed dearly. There was the comfort of knowing that my strong mother had walked them both home with hymns, hugs, tears and stories. That a strong and faithful woman of God had again shared His story, had reminded both grandparents of their commitment, and then celebrated with them that they were going home. I really can't imagine a better way for this to end . . . Or a better person to be there to hold their hand as they went to eternity. Mom, I am so proud of you.

And I suppose that even though this holiday season will be very tough, I am not sure there is a better time to be in this place. Everywhere I turn, I am reminded of His sacrifice. That He had sent His Son to save me and everyone else. That He has provided a way to see my family that has passed on again. That my heart which is currently broken can be whole still because God has placed His whole and perfect love inside it.

So I will grieve, and I will cry, but not as someone who has no hope, but as someone who is beyond thankful for the hope that is mine, the hope, grace and love that cares for little old me, and everyone else dealing with this during the holidays. 

And Grammy...Memere....and those I have lost before, I will see you again. Be sure of it. 

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Am I enough?

I woke up this morning to my two beautiful little girls, ages 1.5 and 6. As much as I love them, and as cute as they are, I did not want to be a stay at home mom today. In fact, if we are being honest, I haven't really ever wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Most days I feel as though my sense of identity or "me-ness" is slipping away like the tide. I wonder if I could still compete in a world with no children; if there is still a "me" outside this home. And then there is the ever-lurking sense of failure at the actual job of motherhood...am I doing well raising these children, or will I screw them up for life?

And this morning, I realized it all boiled down to one question.... Am I enough?

Am I enough in who I am to be valued?

Am I enough to raise decent children?

Am I enough to keep this house at a general state of cleanliness?

Am I enough to keep my husband happy and loved?

Am I enough if I am "just" a mother and wife?

Am I enough?

And then I realized the answer as plain as the nose on my face: No. I am not enough. I cannot be the perfect parent. I cannot be the perfect wife. I cannot be enough to fulfill all the needs that arise around me.

But God is.  HE is enough.

And the weight lifted off of my shoulders. I do not have to be enough to answer those questions,
I only have to be enough at what He has already created me enough for.

I AM enough to reflect a loving God.

I AM enough to allow His love to love my children and my spouse through me.

I AM enough to be the mother of these children that HE wants me to be or He wouldn't have given them to me. The same goes for being a wife.

I AM enough if I am "just" a wife and a mother especially since it is what HE has called me to.

I AM enough to praise Him.

I AM enough to be HIS child, and one whom He loves in all her imperfections.

Only in HIS STRENGH, HIS POWER, and HIS LOVE - I am enough. 

So when you are having a rough day, and you are worried about your worth and ability to fulfill your purpose remember, as I am telling myself today...

You do not have to be and are not enough.

BUT HE IS.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Promise of a Helper

In this past year of struggle for me, I have often been offered verses from Isaiah to comfort me in my journey. Through this I realized the wealth of "one-liners" Isaiah possessed and decided I just had to read this book again. And it did not disappoint. 

And as I was reading this morning in chapter 30 I was struck by a verse I had heard before, but really spoke to my heart today "Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. (Isaiah 30:21 NASB).  There are, I'm sure, many interpretations of this verse but after some study and commentary reading, I believe it is a promise of the coming Holy Spirit.

Here's why: Historically, this part of Isaiah was written before the fall of Israel, both northern and southern kingdoms. The beginning of Isaiah reads like a who's who of nations that are going to be punished, and chapters 28-30 are focused directly at the Northern Kingdom with a warning to the Southern Kingdom of Jerusalem. But in verse 18 of chapter 30 The Lord provides hope. He starts with who He is and moves to what He promises will happen. Amidst these promises comes this verse - a promise of the helper to come.

As New Testament believers, believing after the great work of Christ, we receive this helper upon salvation (1 Cor. 12:13, Eph. 1:13-14, Romans 8:9).  The knowledge of this while reading this verse reminded me of two things: 1) The Lord is gracious to always provide hope amidst what looks like despair. He allows His people to see the good that will come after their punishment. What Grace!  2) What a blessing it is to have continual access to the Holy Spirit (the helper). I have someone who, if I listen, will tell me the way in which to walk. And He came as the result of a long-ago promise.

I don't know about you but that leaves me deciding that I need to get to know this member of the trinity better and be more in tune to His guidance. My prayer today is that I will hear that voice behind me and choose to walk in the directed path.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Confident Expectation

As Christians, we often find ourselves "waiting" on the Lord.  In fact I have referred to myself as "sitting in God's waiting room" many times.  And most times that is exactly what we do . . . sit.  I don't know about you, but sitting is usually not the greatest place for me.  You see, I end up inside my own head way too much and usually the outcome is frustration and anger towards the fact that I have to "wait" for whatever it is that I want to happen without a definitive time when it will happen.  And sometimes this waiting lasts so long, that I begin to give up thinking that the outcome may never be realized.  More often than not, the waiting also yields a different result than I anticipated, which can also be frustrating.

But this week my view of waiting changed, when I was given a different perspective.  I am sure many of you have read the familiar verse in Isaiah 40:31.  Translated in my beloved New American Standard Version, the verse states, "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."  I have read this verse a thousand times in different translations, but this time it occurred to me that the NASV used the word "wait" in the first phrase, and I was sure that I had heard the word "hope" used as well.  A little digging and I found that the New International Version translation was the one in which it was translated "hope".  At this point I was hooked . . . I had to know how many of the popular versions used "wait" and how many used "hope".  King James, New King James, The Message and English Standard were four of the versions that translated the word "wait".  None of the popular versions save NIV translated the word "hope" and the New Living Translation translated the word "trust".  The Hebrew word translated here is the word "qavah" (kaw-vaw') which, according to Strong's Concordance's definitions means "wait" and is a verb.  So why would two versions translate this word "hope" and "trust"?  So I consulted Webster's dictionary for the definition of the words "wait", "hope" and "trust". And here is what I found:

Wait - to remain stationary in readiness or expectation; to look forward expectantly
Hope - to desire with expectation of attainment; to expect with confidence; to trust
Trust -assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something; a dependence on something future

Ok, so what did this all mean?  As the verse clearly states we are to wait/hope/trust in the Lord and we will be given new strength.  So what exactly does this waiting mean or entail?  Based on what I had read in the dictionary and concordances, I have devised a little more in depth definition: to "qavah" is "to have confident expectation of a future event due to the assured reliance on the character of someone/something" - in this case the character of God.  That helped me see this verse in an entirely new light.  I am not to wait and be frustrated or angry, but rather I am to wait as someone who knows the outcome will be in alignment with the character of the Lord because I know who the Lord is.  I can be confident in my expectation that the waiting will not be in vain, but rather produce exactly what it is the Lord has promised which in this case is a new strength.  I no longer wait passively, but rather actively with confidence, as a person with hope and assurance in what the Lord has promised (not what I was expecting the outcome to be).  I can relinquish control because my "hope" or "trust" is in a person's character rather than the outcome of a situation.

So while I am sure that I will again be frustrated in the waiting, I now know I can refocus my waiting on its true meaning . . . and eagerly await its outcome.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

The Blessing of Eternal Perspective

If you can forgive the long story, there is an amazing lesson God taught me through the whole ordeal.  Time to get personal . . .

The week of October 22nd my family and I had just gotten back from a trip to see my Great Grandmother in an assisted living home in Maine.  We had a wonderful time and came back to catch the usual cold after traveling.  The girls got it first, followed by my husband and myself.  It was a cold that seemed bad for about a week, and then had a week of recovery . . . not horrible, but not a quick and easy cold either.  About two weeks later it seemed everyone was getting back to normal - everyone but me.  In fact, as I began the cold, one of the lymph nodes on the back of my neck swelled to about double its normal size.  I had scheduled a physical months before, and figured that I would go and let the doctor check the node (which we had been monitoring since the spring) and assumed it was a combination of the cold and my awful fall allergies.  The morning came of my physical and "Superstorm Sandy" hit with full force, completely incapacitating most of the eastern seaboard.  Well, nothing I could do - so I waited a week and a half and called to reschedule my appointment.  By this time, the fatigue I had been experiencing increased, and my head cold was getting worse.  I saw the doctor the week before thanksgiving and after deciding to do a wide scale of blood work, she sent me with a referral to a general surgeon for a lymph node biopsy with reassurances that this was probably not a big deal and to have a good Thanksgiving.

Well, we started our 14 hour trip for Thanksgiving and got a call one hour in that a level in my blood was elevated, and was again reminded to see the surgeon.  I had already scheduled the appointment, but I started to worry.  This level was a marker for a lot of things, but given my symptoms it seemed it may indicate mono or lymphoma.  Great.  During our four day trip, the lymph node increased to triple its size, and 6 other nodes popped up, all of them hard and scary.  A call to my doctor was met with increasingly serious warnings to "not miss my appointment with the surgeon."  As you can imagine, I showed up to the surgeon's office extremely nervous.  During my appointment, that just got worse.  Phrases like "abnormal" and these nodes are "beyond the normal cold", and "lymphoma" were thrown out.  The surgeon suggested a biopsy, which I consented to.  Right before leaving I said, "By the way, does my blood work say they checked mono?"  The surgeon replied that they hadn't and sent me to the lab, "just to check".  It seemed the word "lymphoma" was coming up quite a bit, and I was hanging all my hopes on the fact that they had just missed the mono.

The next day I woke up with no voice, and my sore throat had progressed to being hard to swallow.  The fatigue was awful.  Something was definitely wrong - and at this point had been for a month.  It was a long wait until Monday night when the phone rang.  The surgeon was on the other end - "Sarah, you have an acute case of mono.  One of the worst cases I have seen in a while.  We cannot do the biopsy, and lets wait to see if we even have to do it all.  This could explain every symptom."  Both my husband and I rejoiced - which sounds funny, since it was an awful diagnosis - but it wasn't cancer.  Everyone we had told and were praying also rejoiced . . .

I have yet to fully recover from mono, in fact every day is a struggle to stay awake or accomplish what I need to - which is very frustrating for an over-achiever like myself but, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I know, you all just said, "WHAT?!?" and normally, I would agree with you . . . but I was given a HUGE gift amidst this adventure - eternal perspective.  Faced with the idea that what is going on with your health is something you cannot control and it may be something life-threatening (lymphoma), life takes on a different rosy hue.  While I wasn't obsessed or constantly thinking about everything, there were moments in the day when my children would be frustrating, and I would dissolve into tears over how adorable it was.  My husband would come home and all the little frustrations of married life were gone, and my knight in shining armor with his protective hug had walked in the door - I soaked up every minute with him.  I was given the opportunity to look at my life as a gift, something not guaranteed and fleeting.  In talking with my aunt she said I had been given an "eternal perspective" which I thought was appropriate.  My thoughts were no longer on simple, daily things but rather - what will I teach my children through this?  How can I love Josh more thoroughly today?  What can I do to make the most of my evening instead of just watching tv?

In the wake of the Newtown trajedy, I think this is something we all need to consider.  We've been given an opportunity to look at life through a different lens - one with eternal consequences / blessings.  To be thankful for those around us, to do more to love them more thoroughly . . .

So I will again say, I am thankful for mono and the exhaustion.  I have an opportunity to be reminded every day that I am totally reliant on Him, completely blessed by Him, and living in the midst of my very own custom-made fairy tale.  I pray I NEVER forget that.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

I Know Who You Are

Yesterday, a seemingly senseless act left the United States stunned, reeling, crying, and praying.  Parents, spouses, aunts, uncles, grandparents . . . everyone went home and hugged their loved ones a little tighter and made sure they really knew how much they were loved.

When I woke up this morning, I began to think about the aftermath of an event like this.  As Christians, we more often than not hear the question, "If God is (good, all powerful, in control) then why did He allow this?"    Its one of the toughest questions we have had to answer.  We, as Christians, hear your question, and we are as confused as you are.  The truth is, we don't know why this happened, we have no idea what is going on - and cannot answer a question that we are not meant to answer.  

What we do know (biblically) is this . . . 

• Sin is a uniquely human problem, and entered the world through our race. (Genesis 3, Romans 5:12)  God is not responsible for the evil, awful things that humanity is capable of.  We alone are responsible for our behavior.  
• We know WHO GOD IS and that God cannot act in contradiction with His character (James 1:16-18).
• God loves us and we cannot be separated from that love (Romans 8:38-39).  
• God desires good for His children. (Jeremiah 29:11). 
• God knows all about us and is always with us. (Ps. 139)
• If you believe in Christ's work on the cross, God is your father and considers you his child. (Galatians 3:26)

And the part that hit me the hardest, as a parent, is the reality of the story of Christ.  God is no stranger to what it feels like to lose a child.  This month we celebrate the birth of His son on Earth, His short life of 33 years, and in March we will mourn and celebrate His death.  God watched His son walk where we walk for 33 years and allowed Him to be put to death on a cross to save us.  Just let that sink in a second.  He went through what we are all crying for, and did not stop it because He had a plan - a plan that ultimately led to saving humanity.  He did not intervene when His own son was put to death because He knew the plan, He knew the outcome, and He cared so much for US that He could not allow US to spend forever without Him, even if it meant going through the worst thing a parent should ever have to do.  He is no stranger to the grief of those in Connecticut, and I am sure He mourns with them right now.

So, the best answer I can offer to the question of "Why did God . . . ?" is this:  I don't know what He is doing, or what His plan is, but I know who He is.  And who He is, is what I choose to cling to right now.

If you are interested, there is a song released yesterday by artist JJ Heller that very appropriately explains, exactly what I am trying to say.  You can download it for free on her website.  Its a zip file of several songs, but the song that you are looking for is "Who You Are".

Being continually molded,

Sarah