Walking them home . . .

At 11:41 today my world changed. At 11:41, I went from having 6 grandparents to 5. At 11:41, my heart broke into a million pieces and smiled at the same time . . . He has her now. There is no more pain and I will see her again.

And it was eerily like a cold day in October, when my Memere (great grandmother) went to be with her Lord. Two days before there was a FaceTime call, a profession of love from myself, both of my kids, and a smile for us from a proud grandparent before they started walking home. Then there was the phone call, the flood of tears, the searing pain, the broken pieces and then . . . Nothing but a strange numbness and exhaustion. And a wonder of how to get through this holiday season . . .

But there is much comfort in the midst of pain. There is no more pain for either and there was a great reuniting of souls as one met her husband and the other her sister whom both had missed dearly. There was the comfort of knowing that my strong mother had walked them both home with hymns, hugs, tears and stories. That a strong and faithful woman of God had again shared His story, had reminded both grandparents of their commitment, and then celebrated with them that they were going home. I really can't imagine a better way for this to end . . . Or a better person to be there to hold their hand as they went to eternity. Mom, I am so proud of you.

And I suppose that even though this holiday season will be very tough, I am not sure there is a better time to be in this place. Everywhere I turn, I am reminded of His sacrifice. That He had sent His Son to save me and everyone else. That He has provided a way to see my family that has passed on again. That my heart which is currently broken can be whole still because God has placed His whole and perfect love inside it.

So I will grieve, and I will cry, but not as someone who has no hope, but as someone who is beyond thankful for the hope that is mine, the hope, grace and love that cares for little old me, and everyone else dealing with this during the holidays. 

And Grammy...Memere....and those I have lost before, I will see you again. Be sure of it. 

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Am I enough?

I woke up this morning to my two beautiful little girls, ages 1.5 and 6. As much as I love them, and as cute as they are, I did not want to be a stay at home mom today. In fact, if we are being honest, I haven't really ever wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Most days I feel as though my sense of identity or "me-ness" is slipping away like the tide. I wonder if I could still compete in a world with no children; if there is still a "me" outside this home. And then there is the ever-lurking sense of failure at the actual job of motherhood...am I doing well raising these children, or will I screw them up for life?

And this morning, I realized it all boiled down to one question.... Am I enough?

Am I enough in who I am to be valued?

Am I enough to raise decent children?

Am I enough to keep this house at a general state of cleanliness?

Am I enough to keep my husband happy and loved?

Am I enough if I am "just" a mother and wife?

Am I enough?

And then I realized the answer as plain as the nose on my face: No. I am not enough. I cannot be the perfect parent. I cannot be the perfect wife. I cannot be enough to fulfill all the needs that arise around me.

But God is.  HE is enough.

And the weight lifted off of my shoulders. I do not have to be enough to answer those questions,
I only have to be enough at what He has already created me enough for.

I AM enough to reflect a loving God.

I AM enough to allow His love to love my children and my spouse through me.

I AM enough to be the mother of these children that HE wants me to be or He wouldn't have given them to me. The same goes for being a wife.

I AM enough if I am "just" a wife and a mother especially since it is what HE has called me to.

I AM enough to praise Him.

I AM enough to be HIS child, and one whom He loves in all her imperfections.

Only in HIS STRENGH, HIS POWER, and HIS LOVE - I am enough. 

So when you are having a rough day, and you are worried about your worth and ability to fulfill your purpose remember, as I am telling myself today...

You do not have to be and are not enough.

BUT HE IS.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Promise of a Helper

In this past year of struggle for me, I have often been offered verses from Isaiah to comfort me in my journey. Through this I realized the wealth of "one-liners" Isaiah possessed and decided I just had to read this book again. And it did not disappoint. 

And as I was reading this morning in chapter 30 I was struck by a verse I had heard before, but really spoke to my heart today "Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. (Isaiah 30:21 NASB).  There are, I'm sure, many interpretations of this verse but after some study and commentary reading, I believe it is a promise of the coming Holy Spirit.

Here's why: Historically, this part of Isaiah was written before the fall of Israel, both northern and southern kingdoms. The beginning of Isaiah reads like a who's who of nations that are going to be punished, and chapters 28-30 are focused directly at the Northern Kingdom with a warning to the Southern Kingdom of Jerusalem. But in verse 18 of chapter 30 The Lord provides hope. He starts with who He is and moves to what He promises will happen. Amidst these promises comes this verse - a promise of the helper to come.

As New Testament believers, believing after the great work of Christ, we receive this helper upon salvation (1 Cor. 12:13, Eph. 1:13-14, Romans 8:9).  The knowledge of this while reading this verse reminded me of two things: 1) The Lord is gracious to always provide hope amidst what looks like despair. He allows His people to see the good that will come after their punishment. What Grace!  2) What a blessing it is to have continual access to the Holy Spirit (the helper). I have someone who, if I listen, will tell me the way in which to walk. And He came as the result of a long-ago promise.

I don't know about you but that leaves me deciding that I need to get to know this member of the trinity better and be more in tune to His guidance. My prayer today is that I will hear that voice behind me and choose to walk in the directed path.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Confident Expectation

As Christians, we often find ourselves "waiting" on the Lord.  In fact I have referred to myself as "sitting in God's waiting room" many times.  And most times that is exactly what we do . . . sit.  I don't know about you, but sitting is usually not the greatest place for me.  You see, I end up inside my own head way too much and usually the outcome is frustration and anger towards the fact that I have to "wait" for whatever it is that I want to happen without a definitive time when it will happen.  And sometimes this waiting lasts so long, that I begin to give up thinking that the outcome may never be realized.  More often than not, the waiting also yields a different result than I anticipated, which can also be frustrating.

But this week my view of waiting changed, when I was given a different perspective.  I am sure many of you have read the familiar verse in Isaiah 40:31.  Translated in my beloved New American Standard Version, the verse states, "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."  I have read this verse a thousand times in different translations, but this time it occurred to me that the NASV used the word "wait" in the first phrase, and I was sure that I had heard the word "hope" used as well.  A little digging and I found that the New International Version translation was the one in which it was translated "hope".  At this point I was hooked . . . I had to know how many of the popular versions used "wait" and how many used "hope".  King James, New King James, The Message and English Standard were four of the versions that translated the word "wait".  None of the popular versions save NIV translated the word "hope" and the New Living Translation translated the word "trust".  The Hebrew word translated here is the word "qavah" (kaw-vaw') which, according to Strong's Concordance's definitions means "wait" and is a verb.  So why would two versions translate this word "hope" and "trust"?  So I consulted Webster's dictionary for the definition of the words "wait", "hope" and "trust". And here is what I found:

Wait - to remain stationary in readiness or expectation; to look forward expectantly
Hope - to desire with expectation of attainment; to expect with confidence; to trust
Trust -assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something; a dependence on something future

Ok, so what did this all mean?  As the verse clearly states we are to wait/hope/trust in the Lord and we will be given new strength.  So what exactly does this waiting mean or entail?  Based on what I had read in the dictionary and concordances, I have devised a little more in depth definition: to "qavah" is "to have confident expectation of a future event due to the assured reliance on the character of someone/something" - in this case the character of God.  That helped me see this verse in an entirely new light.  I am not to wait and be frustrated or angry, but rather I am to wait as someone who knows the outcome will be in alignment with the character of the Lord because I know who the Lord is.  I can be confident in my expectation that the waiting will not be in vain, but rather produce exactly what it is the Lord has promised which in this case is a new strength.  I no longer wait passively, but rather actively with confidence, as a person with hope and assurance in what the Lord has promised (not what I was expecting the outcome to be).  I can relinquish control because my "hope" or "trust" is in a person's character rather than the outcome of a situation.

So while I am sure that I will again be frustrated in the waiting, I now know I can refocus my waiting on its true meaning . . . and eagerly await its outcome.

Being continually molded,

Sarah