The Blessing of Eternal Perspective

If you can forgive the long story, there is an amazing lesson God taught me through the whole ordeal.  Time to get personal . . .

The week of October 22nd my family and I had just gotten back from a trip to see my Great Grandmother in an assisted living home in Maine.  We had a wonderful time and came back to catch the usual cold after traveling.  The girls got it first, followed by my husband and myself.  It was a cold that seemed bad for about a week, and then had a week of recovery . . . not horrible, but not a quick and easy cold either.  About two weeks later it seemed everyone was getting back to normal - everyone but me.  In fact, as I began the cold, one of the lymph nodes on the back of my neck swelled to about double its normal size.  I had scheduled a physical months before, and figured that I would go and let the doctor check the node (which we had been monitoring since the spring) and assumed it was a combination of the cold and my awful fall allergies.  The morning came of my physical and "Superstorm Sandy" hit with full force, completely incapacitating most of the eastern seaboard.  Well, nothing I could do - so I waited a week and a half and called to reschedule my appointment.  By this time, the fatigue I had been experiencing increased, and my head cold was getting worse.  I saw the doctor the week before thanksgiving and after deciding to do a wide scale of blood work, she sent me with a referral to a general surgeon for a lymph node biopsy with reassurances that this was probably not a big deal and to have a good Thanksgiving.

Well, we started our 14 hour trip for Thanksgiving and got a call one hour in that a level in my blood was elevated, and was again reminded to see the surgeon.  I had already scheduled the appointment, but I started to worry.  This level was a marker for a lot of things, but given my symptoms it seemed it may indicate mono or lymphoma.  Great.  During our four day trip, the lymph node increased to triple its size, and 6 other nodes popped up, all of them hard and scary.  A call to my doctor was met with increasingly serious warnings to "not miss my appointment with the surgeon."  As you can imagine, I showed up to the surgeon's office extremely nervous.  During my appointment, that just got worse.  Phrases like "abnormal" and these nodes are "beyond the normal cold", and "lymphoma" were thrown out.  The surgeon suggested a biopsy, which I consented to.  Right before leaving I said, "By the way, does my blood work say they checked mono?"  The surgeon replied that they hadn't and sent me to the lab, "just to check".  It seemed the word "lymphoma" was coming up quite a bit, and I was hanging all my hopes on the fact that they had just missed the mono.

The next day I woke up with no voice, and my sore throat had progressed to being hard to swallow.  The fatigue was awful.  Something was definitely wrong - and at this point had been for a month.  It was a long wait until Monday night when the phone rang.  The surgeon was on the other end - "Sarah, you have an acute case of mono.  One of the worst cases I have seen in a while.  We cannot do the biopsy, and lets wait to see if we even have to do it all.  This could explain every symptom."  Both my husband and I rejoiced - which sounds funny, since it was an awful diagnosis - but it wasn't cancer.  Everyone we had told and were praying also rejoiced . . .

I have yet to fully recover from mono, in fact every day is a struggle to stay awake or accomplish what I need to - which is very frustrating for an over-achiever like myself but, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I know, you all just said, "WHAT?!?" and normally, I would agree with you . . . but I was given a HUGE gift amidst this adventure - eternal perspective.  Faced with the idea that what is going on with your health is something you cannot control and it may be something life-threatening (lymphoma), life takes on a different rosy hue.  While I wasn't obsessed or constantly thinking about everything, there were moments in the day when my children would be frustrating, and I would dissolve into tears over how adorable it was.  My husband would come home and all the little frustrations of married life were gone, and my knight in shining armor with his protective hug had walked in the door - I soaked up every minute with him.  I was given the opportunity to look at my life as a gift, something not guaranteed and fleeting.  In talking with my aunt she said I had been given an "eternal perspective" which I thought was appropriate.  My thoughts were no longer on simple, daily things but rather - what will I teach my children through this?  How can I love Josh more thoroughly today?  What can I do to make the most of my evening instead of just watching tv?

In the wake of the Newtown trajedy, I think this is something we all need to consider.  We've been given an opportunity to look at life through a different lens - one with eternal consequences / blessings.  To be thankful for those around us, to do more to love them more thoroughly . . .

So I will again say, I am thankful for mono and the exhaustion.  I have an opportunity to be reminded every day that I am totally reliant on Him, completely blessed by Him, and living in the midst of my very own custom-made fairy tale.  I pray I NEVER forget that.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

I Know Who You Are

Yesterday, a seemingly senseless act left the United States stunned, reeling, crying, and praying.  Parents, spouses, aunts, uncles, grandparents . . . everyone went home and hugged their loved ones a little tighter and made sure they really knew how much they were loved.

When I woke up this morning, I began to think about the aftermath of an event like this.  As Christians, we more often than not hear the question, "If God is (good, all powerful, in control) then why did He allow this?"    Its one of the toughest questions we have had to answer.  We, as Christians, hear your question, and we are as confused as you are.  The truth is, we don't know why this happened, we have no idea what is going on - and cannot answer a question that we are not meant to answer.  

What we do know (biblically) is this . . . 

• Sin is a uniquely human problem, and entered the world through our race. (Genesis 3, Romans 5:12)  God is not responsible for the evil, awful things that humanity is capable of.  We alone are responsible for our behavior.  
• We know WHO GOD IS and that God cannot act in contradiction with His character (James 1:16-18).
• God loves us and we cannot be separated from that love (Romans 8:38-39).  
• God desires good for His children. (Jeremiah 29:11). 
• God knows all about us and is always with us. (Ps. 139)
• If you believe in Christ's work on the cross, God is your father and considers you his child. (Galatians 3:26)

And the part that hit me the hardest, as a parent, is the reality of the story of Christ.  God is no stranger to what it feels like to lose a child.  This month we celebrate the birth of His son on Earth, His short life of 33 years, and in March we will mourn and celebrate His death.  God watched His son walk where we walk for 33 years and allowed Him to be put to death on a cross to save us.  Just let that sink in a second.  He went through what we are all crying for, and did not stop it because He had a plan - a plan that ultimately led to saving humanity.  He did not intervene when His own son was put to death because He knew the plan, He knew the outcome, and He cared so much for US that He could not allow US to spend forever without Him, even if it meant going through the worst thing a parent should ever have to do.  He is no stranger to the grief of those in Connecticut, and I am sure He mourns with them right now.

So, the best answer I can offer to the question of "Why did God . . . ?" is this:  I don't know what He is doing, or what His plan is, but I know who He is.  And who He is, is what I choose to cling to right now.

If you are interested, there is a song released yesterday by artist JJ Heller that very appropriately explains, exactly what I am trying to say.  You can download it for free on her website.  Its a zip file of several songs, but the song that you are looking for is "Who You Are".

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Obedience....and Precious Promises

As a mom or dad have you ever uttered the words, "Because I said to do it and I am the parent. It doesn't matter that you don't want to, you still have to listen to me." Or something to that effect? I do ALL the time. You see, I was blessed with a particularly smart five year old, who is a first child, and believes that she knows everything better than me as most kids do. The problem with this child is, when she sees clearly, she is right 99% of the time - more often than I even am. :). I have often been heard to say "it's really not fair that God gave me two kids that are smarter than I am."

So, really, the only time I need to correct her point of view is when she is emotional. Being a five year old girl, that happens more often than not lately. She is struggling with managing her emotions versus doing the right thing....and I don't blame her. I struggle with it more often than not - and often wonder why God asked me to parent her in this part of her life when I cannot even do it myself.

The answer to that came about a year and a half ago when God embarked on a "crusade" to teach me what children and adults alike struggle with daily - obedience. All of a sudden, every Bible reading was filled with commands. "Go....preach...do not.." echoed in my head. In particular, God used a verse that I have always loved (Philippians 4:6) and chose to take me back to the chapter in the Bible where that verse is found. Philippians 4 is a beautiful passage, but on a closer look also a challenging one. God gives commands to "Rejoice in The Lord always..." and "Do not be anxious.." and (paraphrased) focus on what is good, right, pure... All of a sudden I was convicted. Do I worry? Yes. God says not to. Do I rejoice in Him ALWAYS? No. I more often forget that verse. Do I focus on what is good in my life? No. I tend to steam over whatever annoying or strange thing one of my children had done recently.

Whoa. Have you honestly taken stock of yourself in light of these verses? Convicting, challenging, molding...and discouraging. How am I supposed to see hope amongst these commands? I really don't FEEL like doing any of these, they sound like too much work. And that is where our amazing God chose to reveal something to me I had never REALLY seen before. God almost always follows up His commands with a promise. Take Philippians 4:6. God tells us to not be anxious and present our requests to Him and He will do what? Give us "grace and peace that transcends all understanding" which will "guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Go down to verse 8 and read what God tells you to focus on, and at the end of verse 9 it says if we do these things, "the God of peace will be with you".

Once I realized this, I started reading the Bible a totally different way. This isn't a book of rules as to what to do and not to do, it's a book chock full of promises. Amazing promises. And whether or not I FEEL like obeying these commands, when I do, I am promised His presence, His comforting peace, His divine protection. I don't know about you but when you see it this way, you WANT to obey rather than feeling commanded to do so.

So, while I will still struggle with my emotions as a fallen human, I am blessed with a perspective that has begun to transform my thinking. Emotions are a gift: warning signals that something is wrong, pleasure over a beautiful day...but should NEVER transcend intentional obedience....and the precious promises that spring from that obedience.

I don't know about you but that makes me a whole lot more likely to continue that lesson with my five year old. Maybe when she is older, she will have mastered the idea and see the value of intentional obedience and claiming His precious promises earlier than her mother did.

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Blessing HIS heart

This morning, while I cleaned the kitchen, my 13 month old came barreling into the room, with a huge toothy grin on her face. She then wrapped her arms around my legs, pressed her head against me and murmured a happy sigh. I looked down and the face that returned my gaze was one full of pure love. I bent down, and gave her a gentle hug and she then tore out of the kitchen on a new adventure.

The experience left me smiling in the kitchen, thinking of how often my little ones bless my heart and don't even know it. And often, as is the case with my five year old, they intentionally bless me. And not always with their actions but with their exclamations of "my mommy is the best ever!" Or "my mommy gives the best hugs and makes the best cookies!" Or in the case of a Dad "my daddy can fix anything!"

And my mind continued to wander. There is a song by Watermark (a husband and wife group) called "Knees to the Earth" that has spoken to my heart often lately. One of the lines is "Beautiful Jesus, how may I bless your heart?". All of a sudden the sweet experience of my children blessing me has become a challenge to me. Do I bless His heart? Do I do it unintentionally reflecting Him and the love He has taught me? Or do I do it intentionally through exclamations of His worth or acts of service? Wow. Biblically, David speaks of this in The Psalms "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." (Psalms 34:1 NASB)

So today I challenge you, as I am challenging myself... What can YOU do today to bless YOUR FATHER'S heart? As children we should be seeking to do so unintentionally and intentionally every day. I will be praying for you, and myself, to do just that today . . .

Being continually molded,

Sarah

Song by Watermark
http://youtu.be/-AQL8Zk2sOk